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22 September 2010 @ 16:41
You telling me that you're going to squeeze your fat ass out a 20th floor window because you're sad and drinking alone at a bar, then not answering the phone when i call you worried that you're going to do something stupid—not ironic, humorous, or ironically humorous.

Me telling you that you shouldn't get attached to me because i'm not a good person and i'll ultimately break your heart, then me getting attached to you and you breaking my heart because you're not a good person—ironic, humorous, and ironically humorous.
 
 
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07 July 2010 @ 14:30

my grandfather at 70 : war stories :: my father at 70 : hardships of escaping Communism stories :: me at 70 : broken penis and sex injuries stories

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

 
 
 
 
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Protip: Unless you plan on a long long long LONG term relationship, don't sleep with anyone you work with. Because there will still be repercussions over a year later.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

 
 
 
 
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06 January 2010 @ 14:20
Today at lunch we went to our usual marketplace. Upon walking up, we were greeted by firetrucks, police cars, an ambulance, and our CEO.

CEO explained that an old woman hit two people after she hit the curb and accelerated. (Picture here: http://twitpic.com/wyfpv) One guy landed on the hood and was mostly fine; the other was less lucky. Both were taken to the hospital.

What’s funny(?) is that the table on the right (Picture here: http://twitpic.com/wyl8z) is one of our usual tables, and had we gone off to lunch maybe 10 minutes earlier, that could have been us.

We proceeded to spend the next hour joking about this event.
 
 
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13 December 2009 @ 00:44
I seriously can't decide which i am less lazy/more motivated to do right now:

(1) go out and buy some damn food, which takes little effort, but requires money and being out in the cold

OR

(2) make homemade biscuits to eat with my bacon because i can't just eat bacon by itself
 
 
 
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23 November 2009 @ 11:34
Can we give Sarah Palin a little island to rule over for a few years? We'll make it into a reality show on Fox and call it Palin Nation. I mean, any vice presidential candidate who praises Kid Rock for his pro-America values and common sense really needs a trashy show.

ETA: THIS IS NOW MY FAVORITE VIDEO EVER.

 
 
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03 November 2009 @ 12:11

Tip of the Day: When someone asks how you are, just cough uncontrollably for a moment. It answers their question and gets you out of having to talk to them.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

 
 
music: change gonna come - sam cooke
 
 
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11 October 2009 @ 05:37

Good lord. i realize it's 5 in the morning, but do you really have to look like you just rolled out of bed? pick up your god damned feet when you walk; i don't care if you are wearing flip flops--you are a grown ass man, not some sad teenager. And if you've got the energy to walk and whistle (poorly holding a single high pitched tone) you can surely make yourself presentable to the public. i hate san diego and i am so glad to be flyong home in an hour. Bloody hell.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

 
 
 
 
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10 August 2009 @ 23:42
Tonight i was craving cookies and milk so bad. I have cookies from Trader Joe's that i bought last week, but they were a little stale. My choices were to either continue sitting around in my underwear or walk to the market and buy cookies and milk.

After an informal poll, the unanimous answer was to sit around in my underwear (some people were swayed by the sitting around, others were swayed by the underwear). Unfortunately, my craving for cookies won out and i decided i needed to get some sweets. But did i really want to put on pants? I was so close to just walking out the door in my boxers, but that would be wrong. I cursed the fact that i have no bathrobe, however, i do have some pajama pants!

I slipped those on and my checkered Vans were on my feet and i was ready to go. I went to the kitchen to check the staleness of my cookies—they're hard, whereas before they were chewy. I checked the refrigerator to see if there was anything else to drink. MILK. Sitting on the top shelf was a nice hefty carton of milk. Bless you, roommate for buying milk before leaving for Yosemite so you wouldn't be around to see me drink all of it and replace it later without your knowing.

Oh, and there was a break up last week, and a freak out over the weekend, and i ignored my mother's calls and she left me 6 (SIX!) voice messages, and my CEO told me how to do my job today, and i had beer at the pub tonight, and soon i will have milk and cookies. Today turned into a good day, i gotta say.
 
 
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05 August 2009 @ 00:18
In case you haven't heard, i said goodbye to Lola the albino walrus last week and welcomed Winona Ryder to the family. Then 24 hours later, Chelsea vomited all over the back seat. But she (Winona) is clean now and the smell is gone (or else i am used to it) and she is shiny.

Some things i miss about Lola:
  • center armrest
  • ability to crush cars smaller than mine
  • 6 cylinder engine
  • sometimes-accurate compass and thermometer
  • cruise control
But Winona is a sexy little tart, so i am happy. None of you guys ever pictured me in an SUV anyway. But i must say, having such great gas mileage doesn't work out in the end when i drive twice as much.
 
 
music: be ok - ingrid michaelson